FIVE REGRETS OF THE DYING
Five Regrets of the Dying
By Bronnie Ware Platinum Quality Author
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you so much for sharing this. I find it so sad that people (myself included) spend their time trying to be who they THINK they should be according to others’ standards, or spend their time hiding their true nature for fear of not meeting the approval of others.
We’re all so hung up on living life that projects an “image” to satisfy everyone else and the irony of this is that living in such a way – not being true to ourselves – seems to be to the detriment of ourselves and those around us.
It’s such a shame that a lot of us need to wait until we’re lying in our death beds before we realise our full potential and what we could have been. Of course by then, it’s too late.
If I may, I’d like to recommend that anyone who hasn’t seen Rinpoche’s teaching on the meditation on deat, watch it as soon as possible – it is such a profound and potent teaching and as a result of watching and actually doing the practice, I can say that it has such an effect on one’s outlook and really drives it home that we don’t have forever to to Dharma work, to be kind, compassionate, loving: one day, we won’t have tomorrow.
The video is available here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4j5RJfu5X0
May I also humbly offer a recent article I had published on line, which I think ties in with this subject. Anyone who would like to read it can view it here: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2010/09/trying-to-own-time-sandy-clarke/
Thank you, once again, dear Rinpoche, for sharing such a valuable post.
Kindest regards,
Sandy
yes this is very good for the young , i think they have a chance to really embrace this, and time and room to work it out. Before you can miss friends , you have to make some. they have to learn to make commitment and be loyal . then there will be someone there to the end!
It’s so sad when people have regrets only when they are about to die and it’s too late and they can’t do anything about it. I find no. 1 and 5 particularly poignant. No. 1 because sometimes we don’t even know what our dreams are and we try to do the ‘right’ thing by what others think and we lose ourselves in the process. Although in order to lose ourselves, do we even know who we really are? Perhaps, there is no ‘I’ in it after all anyway, and since the whole point of Dharma is to focus out, maybe the point IS to lose ourselves to benefit others. Interesting.
No. 5 is so true. Happiness is a choice – although someone told me happiness is overrated. Every single sentient being seeks happiness. No one consciously seeks sadness. However, it goes back to No.1 – are we who we portray ourselves to be? Are we real? Rinpoche always asks us this question – are you real? Will you change yourself to be the best that you can be? When we do our best, and when we are true to ourselves, we will automatically be happier. Work in progress.
What you wrote is so true, Sharon. I was just thinking about the same thing.
Why do people always wait until it is too late? Why do they only realise when their time has ran out?
What the author of this article have said and show us through the interview with his patients. This is what Rinpoche is trying very hard to change our mindstream and prepare us for the day. He cares for us so much and worries that if we do not have a good and happy and relax life before our death. According to Buddhism we can go to the lower realm. The last breath that we breath is very crucial before we die. One will be so lucky to be able to prepare oneself before they die. Preparation will have to come when you are healthy and strong. Mind will have to play a great part in this. If you want to die without any regrets you have to start and practice virtues and not vice long before you get sick or be incapable. This is what Rinpoche is also teaching us to do. But there are people who do not realise the importance of this that Rinpoche is trying to impart to us.
This is HIGHLY intereting. Everyone in the world should read THESE principles and have it constantly hanging in their homes or even near their altar. Thank you very much for posting this,
dear Tsem Tulku Rimpoche!
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing that with us. I will keep on pursuing happiness because I do not want live a wasted life and die unhappy. That would be the worst thing that could ever happen. I must also have courage in life and that is what I will do. Once again, Thank you Rinpoche.
“Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness”
Given this opportunity we should not be stuck in old patterns and habits due to our strong imprints but to change and get out of it before it’s too late. Never let fear put us down with whatever we want to do in our lives.
Thank you very much Rinpoche, for sharing such a MEANINGFUL article. i should really keep it as a powerful REMINDER; when i am drunken with samsara’s intoxicants, this could serve as an effective means to revive me!
I liked this post and i put here an italian translation for italian readers. If i have made any mistakes please anyone feel free to correct it.
Per molti anni ho lavorato con le cure palliative.
I miei pazienti sono quelli che tornano a casa a morire.
Abiamo condiviso alcuni momenti incredibili.
Rimasi con loro per le loro ultime (da 3 a 12) settimane di vita.
Le persone crescono molto quando si trovano faccia a faccia con la loro mortalità. Ho imparato a non sottovalutare mai la capacità di crescere di qualcuno. Alcuni cambiamenti furono fenomenali. Ognuno sperimentò una varietà di emozioni, come ci si aspettava, negazione, paura, rabbia, rimorso, maggior negazione e finalmente accettazione. Ogni singolo paziente trovò la propria pace prima della dipartita, ognuno di loro.
Qundo interrogati riguardo rimpianti o cose che avrebbero voluto fare diversamente, affiorarono ripetutamente temi comuni.
Ecco i cinque più frequenti:
1. Avrei voluto avere il coraggo di vivere la mia vita, non quella che gli altri si aspettavano da me.
Questo era il dispiacere più comune di tutti. Quando le persone capiscono che la loro vita è quasi finita e guardano ad essa con chiarezza, è facile comprendere quanti desideri siano rimasti inappagati. La maggior parte delle persone non ha onorato neppure la metà dei sogni che aveva e deve morire sapendo che è dipeso dalle scelte fatte o non fatte.
E’ molto importante provare ad onorare almeno alcuni dei sogni lungo il percorso. Dal momento in cui perdi la salute è troppo tardi.
La salute consente una libertà che pochissimi realizzano, fin quando non l’hanno più.
2. Mi sarebbe piaciuto non lavorare così duramente
Questo arriva da ogni paziente maschio che ho assistito. Hanno perso il tempo della crescita dei loro figli e la compagnia del partner. Anche le donne hanno questo dispiacere. Ma siccome la maggiorparte erano di vecchia generazione molte donne non erano state capofamiglia. Tutti gli uomini che ho assistito erano profondamente dispiaciuti di aver sprecato molto tempo della loro esistenza sul tapis roulant di una vita di lavoro.
Semplificando lo stile di vita e prendendo decisioni consapevoli lungo il percorso è possibile non necessitre del reddito di cui si pensa di aver bisogno. E creando più spazio nella tua vita diventi più felice e più aperto a nuove opportunità, quelle più adatte al tuo nuovo stile di vita.
3. Avrei voluto avere il coraggio di esprimere i miei sentimenti.
Molte persone hanno represso i loro sentimenti per s restare in pace con gli altri. Come risultato hanno stabilito un’esistenza mediocre e non sono mai divenuti coloro che sarebbero potuti diventare. Molte malattie sviluppate sono in relazione all’amarezza ed al risentimento trattenuto.
Non possiamo controllare le reazioni degli altri. Tuttavia, benchè le persone possano inizialmente reagire quando midifichi il tuo modo di essere parlando onestamente, alla fine si innalza la relazione ad un nuovo e salutare livello.
Oppue termina il rapporto malsano nella tua vita. In ogni caso vinci.
4. Vorrei essere rimasto in contatto con i miei amici
Spesso non avrebbero voluto realmente realizzare il beneficio di riincontrare i vecchi amici fino alla settimana prima di morire e non è stato sempre possibile rintracciarli. Molti erano così pienmente coinvoltinelle loro vite da essersi lasciati scappare amicizie d’oro negli anni. Ci sono stati molti profondi dispiaceri di non aver dedicato all’amicizia lo sforzo necessario. A tutti mancano gli amici quando si muore.
E’ comune per tutti coloro in uno stile di vita occupato trascurare le amicizie. Ma quando si deve affrontare la prossima dipartita tutti i dettagli fisici svaniscono. Soldi o stato sociale non hanno più importanza. Vogliono fare le cose in modo da beneficiare coloro che amano. Ma di solito sono troppo malati o stanchi per riuscire a gestire le cose. Alla fine tutto si riduce all’amore e alle relazioni. Questo è tutto quello che rimane alla fine.
5. Avrei voluto essere più felice
E’ un dispiacere sorprendentemente comune. Molti non capiscono fino alal fine che la felicità è una scelta. Erano rimasti bloccati in vecchi schemi o abitudini. Il cosiddetto confort di familiarità era straripato nelle loro emozioni così comne la loro vita fisica. La loro paura di cambiare li aveva portati a pensare per se stessi e per gli altri di essere contenti.
Quando si è nel letto di morte ciò che gli altri pensano attraversa la mente. Che meraviglia lasciarsi andare dinuovo al sorriso molto prima che qeusto accada
La vita è una scelta. E’ la TUA vita. Scegli coscientemente, scegli saggiamente, scegli onestamente. Scegli la felicità.
Wow, thank you so much, Angelo! Thank you for caring to take the time to translate for all Rinpoche’s Italian readers. This in itself already benefits many people.
Tsem Tulku Rimpoche,
thanks, nice & well said.
Best Regards
Thank you rinpoche for the excellent post.It remind us how fragile we are.
“I wish i’ve had the courage to live a true of myself..”. This is so true when most of us already ‘lost’ own identity/character in the midst to pursue outer attainments which can’t bring eternal happiness to us.We are usually motivated by courage,praises,fame in order to be excellent.
However,when things gone wrong,depression,hatred and all sort of negative thoughts arose which eventually lead us to feel regret.Most importantly.we should regret for not fully utilize our perfect body/health in this life to benefits others by doing dharma.As a consequence for not remembering death,we will fall in the cyclic existance for many lifes.
Again,it’s our choice to live in the way we assign it to be.If we choose to live in happier manner,we should eradicate self-centric mind and put OTHERS as priority.We should turn away from desires because if we manage to do so,we are actually establish the beginning of happiness and pleasure feel.”Not being attached to gain is the greatest gain”.It can explain and applied in our daily lifestyle.
When is the best time to chance?If not now,but when?Thank you for rinpoche precious teaching and guidance.
Happiness is a choice and we can have it if we put in the effort to get out of our old patterns and habits before its too late. We must never be afraid to change and must always work hard to fulfill our goals in life.
Dear Rinpoche
I am at lost at what to say when reading this blog. It is so relevant to me at many levels. Thank you very much. I will try my best to use my time most fruitfully.
Much love
Valentina
流水下山非有意， 片云归洞本无心。
人生若得如云水， 铁树开花遍界春。
——宋•此庵守净
Sometimes we believe that we always have time and there will always be a tomorrow waiting for us to do the things we really want to do.
It seems only when our time is coming to an end, then we will make a certain realization about what is truly important in our life. It is ironic. Because when we do have the luxury of time at our disposal, we squander it away on things that will not benefit us in the long run.
Then, there is the other group of people who think that they are invincible and they will not get sick or their time would not come so soon.
It is strange but I find that it is always the dying who has to teach the living how to live.
Hence, it is no longer really morbid for someone to urge us to think about death and do death meditation then. Until we realise how we can all easily die at another time, any day, any moment, then perhaps we would start doing what’s truly important for ourselves and the people we love.
Rinpoche has said many times, even if we are ready to do all the things we should be doing, those we love may not be around when we are ready. We do not know when their time would come to an end as well. No one does.
Now I truly appreciate Rinpoche’s teachings on Death Meditation even more. I do not want to wait until it is too late for me, or for those I love and care about. Most of all, I do not want to hold any regrets.
Relating to the above, I came across this in “Voice of Buddhism” June 2010 Page 12. Extract of the article.
Do not become attached to loved ones or wealth, etc. This attachment will lead to lower realm(e.g. animal realm).
In the storey book of the 33 Zen masters, there is a storey about one of the Zen masters who went out for alms, passing by a rich man’s house. The rich man was out, but inside came running out a dog that barked at him loudly. The Zen master looked at it and reproved.
“How dare you bark at me, because of the attachment of wealth that you came back as a dog, shame of you!” After having heard the master reprimand, the dog became sad and refused to eat. Later, the rich man came back and reliased that his dog refused to eat; asked his servant the reason. The servant told that in the morning, there was a Zen master who passed by and said something to the dog & afterwards he refused to eat. The rich man was so upset that he went out to look for the Zen master.
He queried: What did you say to my dog that made him sad & refused to eat?
Master replied: Please do not get angry at me. The dog is your father. The rich man got even angrier and asked – Why is the dog my father?
The master said: If you do not believe me, go home & see if the dog is lying under your father’s bed. Right where the dog is dying, you dig up and will find a bowl of gold. When your father passed away, he did not get a chance to tell you the secret, so he came back as a dog to guard it. Just go home & dig it up and you will understand.
This rich man immediately went back home, dug under his father’s bed and found the bowl of gold. Afterwards, he ran back to the master and asked the master to help his father. The master convinced the rich man to use that gold for charity work. The rich man obeyed the master and few days later the dog died.
It is because of wealth attachment that the man came back as a dog to guard his property.
nice and beautiful picture… very calming…
it feels to me just like life… we are like the waterfall falling down… it hits home sooner or later. may we all just go home peacefully and with much love and wisdom.
Y-E-S !!!
No.1 and No.5 would be my deepest regret if I were to die today.
This is a great post. Its also inspiring to know many people do find peace before they leave.
In the heat of emotions and anger we say many things to get back or hut the other person. But is what we got angry for worth it? Will we even remember what we were angry about at our death bed?
Hence we should do the things that really matter and important to us when we are dying right?
This is such an important point about life.
Often it is on our death bed that we begin to realize all the things we wish we accomplished and didn’t, we realize how ridiculous and futile our concerns and worries were in our daily survival and how little we did our real work, live happy and really care for others.
Die before we die!
To live with the perspective of death daily is very beneficial and to use the tools Rinpoche gave us like the meditation on death can really help us to have a quality life and good passage at the time of death! Thank you always!