This is the Royal princess Dewa of Xianjiang now residing in the USA or simply my mom.
I have always loved her and missed her. She gave me away for adoption with another Mongolian Family in New Jersey. She had difficult circumstances and wanted the best for me. I had met her on and off through my growing up years. She always said she is my aunt. But she knew that I know better..My grandmother would also come and visit me in New Jersey.
Tsem Tulku
(Picture of mom in Taiwan)
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Whenever Rinpoche tells us about his mother, I experience two emotions – sad because Rinpoche never knew a mother’s love, and confusion because I don’t understand how a mother who is supposed to unconditionally love her child, can not love her son.
The more I think about it though, the more I believe that Rinpoche’s real mother wanted to love him and be a mother, but just couldn’t due to circumstances. And the pain and hurt she experienced in her life probably forced her to learn to shut off whenever she saw potential for more pain in her life.
I guess in that way, Rinpoche’s mother really loved him because what she did and put herself through probably spared him the embarrassment of being a child born out of wedlock. And without her suffering and forcing herself not to feel the pain of losing her son, Rinpoche would never have gone to America, experience what he did and end up in Gaden, and then become the teacher that he is today.
So in that way, even when someone does something that looks ‘cruel’, we can still find a reason to show them gratitude because that ‘cruelty’ can be a kindness to the rest of us.
For me, Rinpoche’s mom suffered a lot from her ordeal. She being a Royal Princess was cheated by a married man and suffered emotionally her whole life. She had to bear the fear of people knowing this initially.
She had to force herself from parting with her son for the benefit of Rinpoche and had to refrain herself from seeing Rinpoche anymore. Whenever she sees Rinpoche, she can’t reveal her true identity to Rinpoche and this is a painful feeling for a mother. It is normal that Rinpoche’s mother to refrain from seeing Rinpoche anymore to avoid her from rekindling more of her past bitter memories.
Rinpoche had used the hardship that he suffered to bring happiness others. Rinpoche has always been caring and loving to all of the student like a mother to her children. I remembered Rinpoche taught us that we should learn from our unhappiness and bring happiness to others and not just focus on our own problems.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing to us.
When Rinpoche recounts these stories of his mother, there is nothing but sadness in my heart. Then later, I realise that there is also so much hope within that because Rinpoche has shown us the promise of hope. In spite of having been literally abandoned at birth, Rinpoche never gave up on his mother. To this day, he tells us that the only thing he wishes is to be able to meet his mother, give her some Tara practices for her long life and take her to sacred pilgrimage sites so that she might receive many blessings.
This is just one of the many examples of how Rinpoche emerges out of every difficult situation more determined than ever to help someone and bring them some happiness.
When I talk to Rinpoche of my own parents, he advises me over and over again that I should cherish them and that he wishes so much that he could have had that same relationship with his parents. By his constant encouragement and advice, many people, including myself, have experienced much closer, better and loving relationships with their families. Rinpoche did not have a real family his whole life but to make up for that, he makes sure everyone else around him has this.
How many people can we say we know would do that for others? Sadly, most of us would just sit in our own self pity for the rest of our lives, get twisted and share the misery. A real Bodhisattva takes ever suffering as a means for bringing more benefit.
There’s no point in a self pity party. I do engage in it sometimes, but it doesn’t stop me from what I am suppose to do most of the time.
My longing for my mother and her acceptance of me as a son has been from the day I found out she was my mother. I have wished, prayed, hoped and kept a silent vigil to have a relationship with my mother for decades now.
I have recieved mostly negative reactions from my mother..which shows me the deep pain she has shackled herself to for many years…it is easier to let go. I wish her pain can come to me. I wish she can let go..
I wish I can meet her and have a good relationship…I wish she would accept me….I wish her the best…I wish her to be free…I wish to serve her….
Tsem Tulku
I have always thought that not being close to one’s mother, or even having a mother in one’s life is one of life’s greatest tragedy. After all, the original source of one’s life and love would naturally come from one’s mother. Without the mother, we can’t arrive into this world. The most striking fact is that Rinpoche has been denied of his mother’s love since day one. Regardless of personal pains and suffering his mother could be enduring, it does not change the effect it had on Rinpoche. Like what Rinpoche shared himself, Rinpoche does not allow his past suffering to bring him down or corrupt his compassion for others. Because Rinpoche does not have love, Rinpoche works harder to give love out to all around him. Pain does not damage Rinpoche, it fuels Rinpoche to give himself to do more. His sadness does not motivate him to harm others, but to benefit all. To me, this is the unequivocal attribute of a true BODHISATTVA.
Abandonment by one’s own mother has got to be painful and uncalled for, in most circumstances. Tsem Rinpoche has experienced that with his birth mother, when he was given up for adoption at birth, but instead of letting this experience affect him negatively, Rinpoche has used it to bring Dharma to more people.
As an abandoned child, Rinpoche’s determination to succeed and pursue a Dharma path has inspired so many to persevere despite the obstacles they face.
As an abandoned child, Rinpoche uses this experience to relate to others who have suffered similarly, connecting with them and bringing them to Dharma which would have otherwise been impossible
As an abandoned child, Rinpoche shows us that experiences that are perceived to be negative can also be positive – without the burden and responsiblity of family, Rinpcohe could devote himself 100% to the Dharma
These are just some examples of how Rinpoche skilfully uses his life experiences of abandonment, starvation, abuse, neglect etc to benefit others. Thank you Rinpoche, for using all methods and all ways including yourself, to benefit others.
For Rinpoche to be able to talk about all the SAD (for me) stories and yet at the same time to be able to forgive all the abuse, tortures, humiliation, lack of love truly makes Rinpoche SPECIAL in our hearts. While Rinpoche had to endure the hardship of growing up just to be closer to Dharma, we are complaining about what we don’t have, not enough, too little and chasing all the things that bring us lower and forget about what to appreciate in life. After meeting Rinpoche in DVDs, talks and meeting Rinpoche in person changed me. I might not be perfect yet but I will try very hard so that I will create a cause to be closer to Dharma and help Rinpoche realize Rinpoche’s wishes.
* Mummy, sorry for all the complaints and THANK YOU for all your love and attention for the family.
Mother, a lady who sacrifices herself, physically and mentally, for the love of her child! A mother’s love has no boundary.
Unfortunately for Rinpoche, under certain circumstances, Rinpoche’s birth mother was unable to accept Rinpoche as her son. To me, this is a type of suffering that a mother endures.
By accepting Rinpoche, Princess Dewa will be reminded daily of the pain and deceit that she had endured. Hence, she had to leave that behind her and move on with her life at the expanse of Rinpoche.
Rinpoche on the other hand had shown great compassion for her despite what she had done consciously or unconsciously to hurt Rinpoche. Rinpoche had always and will always pray for her to be able to let go of the past that has been ‘haunting’ her.
Rinpoche know that there will be no chance for Rinpoche to reconcile with her, but Rinpoche still love and misses her like a son yearning for his mother.
For us who are lucky to have our parents with us, please treasure and love them for they might be gone the very next day! And there will be no point crying over spilt milk!
It is sad to hear about Princess Dewa’s story, she moved from one place to another, wanted to give the best for her son but due to the hardship and suffers that she went through, she couldn’t let go, and this created the cause for her to suffer more.
I feel shamed after I read this article and Rinpoche’s comment, my mum went through a lot of hardship but as being her son, I did not take care of her well and show her love that I’m supposed to, I know the pain that she’s been through will not let go easily, but if I care for her more, it will release bit of her pain, at least bit by bit. If I have done more at home, I’m sure my mum and my grandma will not be going through so much suffering.
Thank you Rinpoche for sharing this, I don’t know what I can do to release her pain, but I will try my best not to make her suffer more. If I want to show my care and kindness, I should start from my home.
When I look at the picture of Rinpoche’s mother, I can’t help but think that every woman of that era has a picture like that – same pose, hair, clothes. This then leads me to think that all mothers are the same, regardless of the end result. The actions of a mother need not reflect the truth of their love. Being a mother myself, I cannot imagine that giving up one’s baby is the ideal choice.
In the case of Rinpoche’s mother the circumstances in which she had her son probably made her “believe” that keeping him was not possible. I believe she gave Rinpoche up not because she did not love him but because she did not love herself. Thus, she probably felt that she would not have been a good mother to Rinpoche. Like many have commented, her “cruelty” could have been, on a deeper level, compassion. Rinpoche’s life may have totally turned out differently if not for his mother’s actions.
As much as abandoning one’s child seems a horrible thing to do, the result today is Rinpoche is here and many lives have benefitted. Rinpoche loves and cares with such abundance. He never wants anyone to experience the lack of love and pain.
On many occasions when I share with Rinpoche about my mother, he would reply he wished he had a mother like mine. I will always remember this and be grateful for my mother and who she is and how all my virtues I credit to her (my flaws are my own “miraculous” self-creation).
Mom, I love you. I honor you. You are my rock. I am happy to be able to do Dharma with you. I am so happy you finally found your Guru.
Thank you Rinpoche for everything and most importantly for letting my mother find You.
The picture of Rinpoche’s mother looks very pretty. I think it is quite cool that she is a princess. She always wanted the best for Rinpoche. That’s how Rinpoche ended up here in Kechara House, Malaysia. I want to thank her for bringing such a great guru into everybody’s lives to benefit them. I actually feel quite lucky that I have a loving and caring mother to take care of me and bring me into the Dharma. Mothers are one of the most important things in the world. That is why the prayers say all mother sentient beings…. Is that not right?
I met a friend of Rinpoche’s mother, Kwan Ma Ma, when I visited Taiwan in 2007.
Kwan Ma Ma filled in some background information on Rinpoche’s mother .The Princess (Rinpoche’s mother) is of strong character and keeps things deeply within herself. Kwan Ma Ma and her were very close. They went to school together everyday. Somehow ,the Princess kept her friendship with Rinpoche’s father and her pregnancy secret. Later on, before the Princess migrated to USA, she requested Kwan Ma Ma to keep an eye on Rinpoche who was in the care of a baby sitter, Shi Ma Ma. Only then, Kwan Ma Ma suspected of Rinpoche’s real relationship with the Princess.
Kwan Ma Ma couldn’t quite forgive (this is my impression) the Princess for keeping this secret from her but she understood the social pressure her good friend was under and felt sorry for her. Kwan Ma Ma kept to her promise of taking care of Rinpoche, infact Kwan Ma Ma, her brother and the young Rinpoche grew to be very fond of each other until they were separated when Rinpoche was sent to USA at 7 years old.
Rinpoche has never forgotten the love and care he received from Kwan Ma Ma. He always sends gifts to the Kwans and prays for them.
Hi Beng Kooi,
your comments has been most insightful of this blogpost. If i went through any of that i doubt i could use it to benefit others, but most probably will use it to continuously hurt others as well. But Rinpoche on the other hand used it to benefit others instead. I had some bad experiences of my own as well, but on my own (and even with a lot of Dharma books and knowledge) i was never able to undo my bitterness or even use it to benefit others.
I can only imagine the amount of pain that Rinpoche has been through for being rejected by his mother but yet instead of acting callously and blaming it on the separation like so many others, he is still able to be happy and spread the Dharma. He is truly exceptional.
I really hope that one day, Princess Dewa will no longer hold on to her bitterness…
To me, the act of a mother giving up her child so that he/she can have a better life is the most selfless act in the world. Most adopted children are very happy with their adoptive families.
I am so grateful that the birth mothers of my two children were so brave because without them, we would not be a family.
Dear Rinpoche, Your words always sink deeply in my heart!! You are just amazing!! Many blessings always in everything you do!!