Living at home, the real reasons?
I received another message today that one of my students is very firm on becoming a nun!!! She use to make alot of excuses for not finding time for dharma, dharma work, volunteering and such.
Although mature, she lives at home and allow her parents the situation to not approve of her spending so much time at the centre. I mean if you live at home, use the facilities, want the convenience of home cooked meals, someone to do your laundry, clean up the place, pay the bills, and basically you have to not worry about bills, of course there’s payback. I mean if your old enough to go live on your own, and you are still at home, it just means VERY CLEARLY that you want everything to be convenient for you. Convenience comes from not wanting to challenge one’s comfort zones. Unless you are home to care for your parents as they are very old or sick, that is different. If you live at home because you want convenience, you will never go higher in many things you do. Because you are stuck on the fundamental attitude of wanting convenience/not taking responsibility for yourself. When that attitude is present, it will pervade everything you do hence be your stumbling block to do much more in time. Do not look at how you are now, but what you can be if you take it one day at a time..try, fail, get up, try and do it again..then succeed..But better to try and fail then do nothing and fail..In trying, you build yourself up for the next challenge..because although you failed your last try, you gain the knowledge on how to do better the next time-that knowledge is an invaluable tool. You will not succeed the minute you are on your own and you will have a lot of anxieties and frustrations, but that is because you are still longing for the conveniences. You have to become independent. If you don’t you will wish to do more, wish to be more and wish you had done more but you didn’t because your fear stopped you. Your fear can only lead to more fear. It does not end with hiding. You can only wish to be more as you watch the world/peers go by and achieve more and you are left behind. Being left behind is a greater fear than challenging yourself to do more when you can right now.
Even financially we suffer eventually. Because when we live at home, we blow our paychecks on self indulgences most of the time because we know our parents will pay for everything… And we end up not learning the responsibilities of paying bills, watching our spending, saving, donating towards dharma (merits), or investing in anything. Most of the time, we use the money for our own fun. How much do we donate to dharma, charities, or others when we get our paycheck and it’s just for us. We have already portioned off a large part of our next paycheck for fun… if you are doing that, it is a dangerous and frivolous direction because you will end up in a big mess when your parents are not around anymore. Growing up means not having the conveniences of home, yet you are adjusting and you find space in your freedom to explore and grow. The dividend of living on your own is you grow, expand, and learn tools for survival you would have never learned at home.
Yes, if you lived on your own, you would have to pay up more, have less to spend for yourself and maybe sometimes have very little luxury money. But that would make you perform better at work. Make sure you move up. Change your attitude, behaviour, dressing, appearance, performance, speech to impress to be successful. It forces to change yourself for the better. Check out people who live at home although mature, and people who strike out on their own… who in the end achieves more internally and externally. Be honest and check it out.. Nothing better than you needing to really survive to make you change… change yourself to develop the tools by putting your comfort zones behind you and achieving much greater success which ironically will really bring comfort to you… It pushes you in a good way to be all that you can be BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT. Because you have to pay the bills.You have to be determined not to borrow from you parents or use your parents when you move out. Because you don’t want to have at the back of your mind, well if I fail, I can fall back on them. That little thought at the back of the mind can be your biggest obstacle too. So you have to remove the obstacles to your success. Yes, your parents will miss you and you them, but in the end, parents who have their kids true welfare in mind, will be happy the kids rough it out while they are alive and can watch like mother hens from a distance. Parents will be happy for you if you make it and learn. Whose parents wouldn’t ? I have come across strange parents (rare) that have other agendas. They wouldn’t be happy because their kids welfare is not the priority… I am sorry to say that, but there are so many types of people in the world. For the most part, parents will be happy you become independent , responsible, self-sustaining and happy with your life.
Now this student of mine who wishes to be a nun, has turned her situation all around. Not that she wants to be a nun, but she is gaining independence from her own fears and her very heavily guarded comfort zones… I am so happy for her and anyone who conquers herself. She spends so much quality time at Kechara and really is firm to be a nun. Very excellent. I will send her to Gaden in the future to take vows!! I am so excited to prepare her robes and send her to holy sacred beautiful Gaden to take vows with the old, wonderful, wise monks!!!! I love the old monks… I love them so much. What a blessing to get vows from them. A wonderful way to spend the rest of our lives with sangha vows.
Imagine being one of the sanghas here, to spend your time in dharma, dharma thoughts, dharma actions, dharma environment and nurture others in the dharma. As a nun, if you hold your vows well, you will be more believable if you share dharma with others because you are practicing renounciation. Very powerful when you walk the talk in anything in life. Leaving home is not to be a nun, but to find yourself and be the best you can. Nunhood or independence should never be an escape also. To give your loving parents a break from raising you already. The reason to leave home is not to be rebellious but to make yourself reach your potential. I am not an example to follow exactly, but I left home at 15 and have been independent since then. I have no regrets now when I look back..but when I was 15, 16, 17, 18 at the time and working to survive on my own in Los Angeles, I WAS SCARED. Very scared. I had my dharma, my protector and me… The best way to watch your children not grow or mature is to take care of everything for them even if they have moved out. That is love, but love can manifest differently.
Sometimes it’s not our parents, but us. We use our parents, situations and other poor me excuses to stay at home because we are afraid to fail. It’s easier to be at home pointing fingers at self made external obstacles to justify not moving ahead because the thought of failure paralyzes us… and we can’t face it, but it’s better to do so. Fear never goes away, it just grows if left in the dark corners of our minds quietly but surely.. In reality, it is the reverse. We don’t want to strike out on our own, because we are afraid of failure, lack of resources and also the taunt of peers if we don’t ‘make’ it. Making it is also a perspective or perception. Again, there are people who are home for genuine reasons, but this write up is not about those reasons that do exist. The bottom line is we look at our age and see what we have achieved… to self-understand what our reasons are for being at home. Sometimes we can be angry at the centre, our peers, our colleagues for challenging us towards independence. We might think it’s undue pressure. But the pressure is not from others, but guilt of being discovered for our real intentions of staying home and the insidious comfort zones we selfishly protect… not trying to make anyone sound dubious here. But some people rather not fail and live in this world of make believe, but you know what, you have already failed if you choose this. In time it becomes glaringly obvious….. because you can’t be 25, 30 or 40 or 50 and still be at home.
Chinese have this culture if you are not married you stay home until you are. But with time, changes in world view, modernity, situations, and needs, cultural practices that were good in the past can be modified for the future. Frankly speaking, there are many people living at home now, and THEY WILL NEVER GET MARRIED, so quit fooling your parents and ultimately yourself… sorry… LOL. There are always exceptions, but we have to be true to ourselves and then we can be true to others.
I am very happy for this student who has come such a long way. From a complaining whiny person who makes so much excuses not to do more with her life because she says her parents don’t allow it. It’s not your parents don’t allow it, it’s that you put yourself in a situation that your parents are so worried about you since you live at home, that their care of you and protection of you becomes like control. A measure of how much you are stuck in your comfort zone is if you are a young adult or adult and if you are still living at home. I am not asking you all to leave and abandon your parents or make you feel guilty about living at home, but to examine the truth of why you are still there. When we are adults, we have to strike out and do what we need to do already. Do not be stuck in your comfort zones for the time being. Because the comfort zones we enjoy now will turn to bitterness, anger, jealousy, envy and regrets later when everyone moves ahead and we are still living at home, having our bills paid, and served as if we are still 10 years old. We can all do more and the first step is to be truly independent where we support ourselves totally. It’s scary, but scarier later if we don’t. I mean no disrespect to anyone nor encourage children-parent rebellion, but this is more a self examination using one example of living at home.
Find yourself. Be with yourself. Fail and then achieve. There’s so much more out there. Find your inner freedom by making a change from the outside as a start. You can achieve. You can do it… why not… failure is only when you don’t try and go all the way… there’s really nothing to lose that you won’t lose anyway if you don’t do it!
Tsem Rinpoche
I rejoice that this person has decided to become a nun. I will work to follow her example and this well-written message. The sangha inspires all practitioners not just his/her self.
I am happy for your friend who wants to be a nun too. For many years I sincerely wanted to ordain too, and I have a hard time to read this because it is impossible for me. I work hard too, I had all kinds of material things and I gave them away over and over again when I thought I would have an opportunity to ordain, but it ended up quite disastrous. Still I had adventures. I went on alms round in Thailand and practiced Vipassana there. I learned new languages. But sometimes it was so awful and I made so many enemies, and I had to live in homeless shelters and was almost sexually assaulted several times. It was so scary, I am getting older now so I don’t think I could try again. I live in my own small apartment and I work all the time trying to make a good life for myself, but I feel like I was doing a lot more for the world when I was going to pray at the temple and studying dharma. Even though I have all the material things back that I gave away its like I don’t really have time to meditate anymore. I just have time to listen to dharma but if I try to practice all I think about is bills I have to pay. So it is sad. I left home at 16 also because I was in a very unstable home. It is hard work right now to have a lifestyle like before I went to the monastery because the economy in the US is awful. And it’s not going to get better. People see me now and think I am so much better off since I gave up hopes for ordination, but I don’t see it that way. I feel very much like I have crawled under a rock and that I am just waiting for the day I kick it.
Dear Tsem, i really rejoice ur writing – although at the outside we might be so “different”, i feel very strong connection with u and ur messages. All the best to u and the woman who`ll become a nun and others! Liz
Dear Rinpoche,
thank you so much for being so kind to explain the reasons to be independent. It is very mind-blowing and compelling for me to do so.
I am still searching for a suitable place to stay at the moment and will be moving out once i find it.
Thank you again so much for giving me the extra boost to break past my silly fears.
Any advice to someone who has been constantly throwing herself out of all sorts of comfort zones via making changes from the outside and still have difficulty finding inner freedom and be with herself? So much so that eventually have a lot of difficulties crawling out of the dark hole of a clinical depression? Over independent, may be? And lack the ability in seeking help?
getting out of comfort zone is something which not many plp are willing to do..she should give herself a pat on the back.
all these efforts will eventually drain her out if she does not have a clear purpose.It’s like keeping swinging a racket without a focus and hope that you will hit the ball before you “paste” yrself to the floor.:)
Get her to definate HER terms of inner freedom..what would it like?
From there look at the options available to achieve it..
Hi SJ,
Perhaps she isnt trying to break her comfort zones but merely running away from herself and her surroundings?
Dear Samantha & Joey,
This dear friend is certainly terribly good in getting out of comfort zones and hoping she’d bump into something inspiring enough and open up a brand new perspective and begin meaningful healing process. Unfortunately, may be Sam was right, it’s also like swinging a racket blindly. Even more unfortunate is, very often, people who are clinically depressed finds it hard to determine “meanings” in many things, including definition for “inner freedom”. I suppose it’s like spinning endlessly inside a dark hole and couldn’t figure out way out. I so hope I can help. But human mind is so unassuming in many levels…
I wanna be a mountain climber in Oregon… I want to have my own cabin. I want a jet-ski… I want to devote my life to the Dharma. Definitely time to strike it out on my own!!!
Dear Rinpoche,
Thank you for this wonderful news of this student wanting to become a nun and message. It was not easy and it is still not easy living on my own and all the expenses incurred. However, I am glad and I would never go home to live with my parents (unless to take care of them). I enjoy the freedom and I do see myself maturing although not necessarily fast enough but I am sure much more than if I were to stay at home.
I can’t imagine what kind of person I would be if I were to keep ‘taking’ from my parents by staying at home and they would just take care of the bills, food, laundry and emotional dependence. I know so many of ex-classmates and friends who are still staying at home and the amazing dependence they have on their parents although they already 30! ]
Dear Rinpoche,
Wow! such a good news that someone has decided to be a nun! I’m very happy to hear such news.
Thank you for this wonderful message. It got me thinking, and everything said here is so true. I belong to one of those chinese family that ‘don’t move out until they get married’ which would mean never for me.
Every time i go home, it feels like i’m returning to a hotel… everything is there… not that i don’t appreciate a convenient lifestyle but other factors start to sink into my life. I love my parents very much, but i also know they are too used to my presence at home that they become unsettled if i go out or come home late… even if it’s for volunteering in Kechara.
I guess i should be less selfish and move out after graduation so that my parents can at least have some peace of mind…
One question… is the ultimate goal of doing dharma work as a lay person to eventually be a monk/nun?
If yes, how does one know it’s the right time?
I rejoice for this person because she have make the right decision and also because His Eminence has decided to allow her to do it. It shows that she has the sincerity and the Guru sees it. As always H.E.has a lesson for us all in this and a very good lesson. I hope all of us read this well and understand the logic in this..of leaving home. I think it is about being responsible for ourselves.
With folded hands!!
Dear Rinpoche,
This is indeed a good story and and very encouraging one. This story applies even to those who have not lived at home with the parents for a quite some time. Essentially the elements herein apply to a number of other scenarios.
Fear of the unknown is always a ready stumbling block and we tend to stick to “what we know” and keep repeating the way we do things and hardly check why we are doing it, if it is worth doing it, and if there is a better way of doing it, and even if there is something better that we should be applying ourselves to.
Failure has many precious lessons to teach provided we apply the correct attitude to failure, and not run away from it and deny it. I have come to realise that failure might very well be the road block we need to re-examine how we have been living our lives and make the necessary adjustments.
Failure clears a lot of distractions. Often Success blinds us from our true potential.
I hope that in this life time I would be ordained and be a monk and live in a monastry and focus on dharma 100% and to benefit others with whatever knowledge and wisdom I have gained from the teachings received in the monastry.
That is the best gift that I can repay for all the kindness that I have received througout my life from many people/beings that I have met in my life.
Fear has its way of disguising many good things into bad and taking us away from where we are supposed to be. After all, the opposite side of fear is courage. If we had the courage, then there is no contest or hesitation, we will our best to progress and move onto a higher level.
I didn’t use to think that being closeted in one’s comfort zones was a bad thing. I used to think that it was the final goal – what we all strived for in the life. To be surrounded by things of comfort and luxury. And to be taken care. Naturally, I was blind to the payback. The other side of being pampered, fed and taken care of. This could only occur when I don’t do anything constructive and just wait to be “served”.
I keep reading this post over and over again. It struck how society has built this ‘ultimate dream’ of having a certain lifestyle that includes the marriage, kids, house and cars. But how real is this dream? How real is this lifestyle?
Personally, I cannot think of a higher way to repay the kindness of our parents and everyone who has helped us than being ordained. I think it is the highest return of kindness in action that one commits for the rest of one’s life. That is truly beautiful and immensely beneficial – to the those we love and to ourselves.
To be able to come to this decision of ordination, one has really decided to give over one’s life to returning all the kindness one has received – not just in this life but also, in all past and future lives. In my humble opinion, it is the most responsible decision a person can make.
May I have the good fortune to turn my life around completely – not just for this life, but for all lives.
I love this post. Thank you so much, Rinpoche.
Dear Rinpoche,
This post hits the nail on the head, definitely, and as you also mentioned, there are exceptions (it wouldn’t be fair to suggest that in all cases, people are simply lazy/fearful – there can be practical and valid reasons for living at home also).
I can relate to a lot of this, particularly because I hate major change. It may sound ironic, but though I can handle a lot of difficult situations with relative acceptance and adapt to them (like illnesses, deaths, losing contact etc), the thought of, say, moving to a large city or abroad is a huge no-no (but also, paradoxically, a desire of mine). I keep pushing myself to sign up to a TEFL course (Teaching English abroad), but so far I can still find the most intricate of excuses within myself. I have no excuse in reality, so I shan’t try to give any here. I suppose, like a lot of folks, I sometimes expect the result without the effort. I can do anything, so long as I don’t have to risk anything in achieving it…
However, in addition to your post, I will say that I have a few friends who do live “on their own”, but still rely heavily on their parents. They have their flats and their “independent lives”, but in reality, it’s the parents who are making it happen and if there’s ever any need for financial help, it’s always there. It’s a bungee-independence: always something there to pull you back when you fall too far.
Of course, one can go down the philosophical road and say none of us are ever truly independent (you didn’t make the laptop on which you wrote this post, grow the food you eat and so on…), but that kind of argument is rarely nothing more than intellectual cowardice – it doesn’t wash.
I think if there is one excuse to be made, it might be that, if someone is always used to having things done on their behalf, it might be a little tricky for that person to realise exactly how to be independent. It’s real easy for people who are (properly) independent to say there’s nothing much to it, but that’s because they’re used to having that mind set; I think there’s always the danger of viewing the situation of others from our own perspectives – that rarely leads to any helpful advice being given, or any resolution being found.
But nevertheless, I had expected to find lots to disagree with here (on first sight), but I have to say, in my opinion, it seems extremely dangerous to rely on convenience. One day it has to run out, and if one doesn’t have the skills or know-how to deal with life minus the safety net, the actual reality could infact prove infinitely more fearful than the reality projected by irrational fears of independence in the first place.
Kind regards,
Sandy
10 years ago when I first moved out from my mom’s house it was because I wanted freedom.
After knowing dharma my reasons has deepen a bit more as stated in Rinpoche’s article above.
Also I know it will benefit my dearest mom from “detaching” herself from me. Afterall, my mom is old and the years ahead should be for herself and not for us anymore. I’m indeed very lucky to have her in dharma. Not only will it benefit her now but most importantly her future life. That would be the best gift ever any child can give.
i had always thought that to become a monk/nun was heroic!
Dear Rinpoche,
This most inspiring and meaningful post comes at a time when I need
it most. I rejoice, from my heart, for the lady who has requested to become a nun, thus giving us a fine example of true complete renunciation, a rare thing in modern times.
I’d always been thinking that it’s too late for me to renounce home and (of course I see now)all the comforts that home has. I’d been thinking that I would just pray and make aspirations that in my next life, I would be born with all the favorable conditions to renounce and become a monastic from young.
But this (and a couple of other ‘messages’ that Rinpoche has been sending me in recent times) makes me realize that I have to create the causes for that to happen in my next life. I have to push myself out of my comfort zone and begin letting go of fears and worries about my increasingly poor eyesight, poor computer skills,etc and just plunge in. Even though now I take a couple of hours to do even a simple task on the computer, I must continue on. It’s all about creating the causes.I must also learn to multi-task too, from looking after a recently adopted stray baby cat, to mastering computer skills, to mastering Pujas in Tibetan, maybe taking on an English class for adults in KH(if I can find someone to teach me how to conduct such a class).
Thank you again, Rinpoche, from the depths of my heart for being so kind and patient with me and my stubborn and close mind.
Dear Rinpoche,
Buddha Sakyamuni left his family searching for answers and finally gain enlightenment.
May us know your view about a Husband or Wife in modern world wanted to be a sangha or nun. what shall he or she prepare him/herself, kids, parents, business…. before looking for ordination?
thanks
Dear Rinpoche,
This post strongly reflects upon my life and I couldn’t agree more of what you’ve said.
Years ago, when I left home to study abroad, I suffered tremendously because life is much more challenging and I was reluctant to grow. I wanted to go home so badly because I feel insecure with everything and even don’t know how to take care of myself with the most basic self care- eating, cleaning, etc.
My life was a mess because I was so out of my comfort zone.
I called my parents and wanted to give up. My family was upset because I wasted some time of my life being stubborn about this.
Then, my mind started to wonder around, thinking if someone/ some kind of place could control me or make me become discipline, then my life would go back to normal.
I even thought of becoming a nun living in a temple with strict rules would change my life. Ended up, that thought got rejected by myfamily. Now when I think back of this, I think my mindset was so wrong because I realized that even if i live at the most sacred temple to live there, my mind will still wonder. Environment can only change a person into some degree but it is up to that person to cultivate self-control/discipline. And you’re right, becoming a nun/monk should not be a way to escape life.
The funny thing is, when my life went back on track, my parents are upset because I am now fully independent and taking care of myself abroad. They told me that they regret of sending me abroad because their kids never come back to live with them and share their financial burden. I tried to explain to them about my situation and my future. Eventhough as kids, it is our responsibility to take care of them when they’re old. But my parents are not that old, but they already have huge fear of being lonely and abandoned by their kids.
Eventhough living abroad without family support could be difficult, but it is fullfilling because it makes us tougher and better person of who we are.
I like your phrase ” fail,get up and try again” becausee all of us are constantly experiencing this phase.
Sincerely thank you Rinpoche! I appreciate your teachings.
Thank you for this wonderful blog, Rinpoche.
Thank you from the deepest of my heart, thank you for all your work and presence with us to help us to do our dharma work, to help us to live a life of dharma, a life of service and compassion. Everything you do is affecting us deeply right to our being. You know how to communicate to us, you know what are our problems and difficulties and you are always so generous with your time ready to answer to us and to give us advices and help. I am for ever deeply grateful to have had the chance to meet you on the internet, to know you and be able to practice with your guidance from the video, from your blogs, websites and more….Thank you to all your devoted teams for giving us so much.
I love you all very very very much!
Reading this article brings back memories of how resistant I was in moving out of my parents’ house into a Dharma house a few years ago. I did it anyways because Rinpoche wanted me to although the move made no sense to me at all at that time. I somehow trusted and respected Rinpoche enough to do that despite my fears and discomfort.
I was very comfortable at home. There was always home cooked food on the table, the maid did the housekeeping and helped with my laundry. On top of that I did not have to pay rental and could enjoy all the facilities at home. Moving out means extra expenses and inconveniences. Plus the Dharma house I was moving into was only 15 minutes drive from my parents’ house. My parents could not understand why either and was not too pleased with my decision.
For the longest time I could not come to terms with it. I missed the conveniences at home and the company of my family very much.
However, now that I look back, it was one of the best decisions I have made in my life. I realized how spoilt, dependent, lazy, indiscipline, irresponsible and with no fighting and survival instincts I was because I had it so easy and it was not serving me or anybody around me at all. Although my parents had the best intention, I must say they were not the wisest in this aspect.
As a result, many times I fell flat on my face when encountering challenges. Moving out made me realise that there was so much I had to change in myself. I suffered a lot realising how much I have failed people around me and myself and how I must improve to be a more discipline, responsible, caring, independent and beneficial adult and not a selfish spoilt brat who was completely self indulgence and of no benefit to anyone. I also began to appreciate my family and friends more and realise how kind they have been to me although I had done nothing much for them. I realised how important it is to take charge of my own life and be independent.
Although I have not completely reformed yet, at least I am now on the path towards that direction. Looking back, I know now that Rinpoche made me make that decision because he loves me and cares for me and wants me to grow to be a better person. I will forever be grateful. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU Rinpoche.